The boys are off to football training and I have the house to myself but only for an hour.  In 24 hours I’ll be in the hospital – hopefully not yet wearing one of their delightful gowns, waiting for my surgery.

I’m busy doing stuff but at the same time my mind is swirling.  I’m focusing on tidying, sorting, cleaning, packing while at the same time observing my changing moods.  Yes, I am anxious and nervous but do I really need to blow a gasket because Craig has given Roscoe the socks I had carefully pre-packed in his Chelsea foundation football kit?

This mood shift is interesting.  I’m properly mad.  I would shout if there was anyone to listen.  What is happening?  Craig and I have had a lovely day together so why do I want to throttle him?  Ahh! It’s my control freakery out to play.  I’ve  packed for as many of Roscoe’s activities as I can think of next week.  It’s part of wanting to still feel in control despite knowing that when I walk through those hospital doors tomorrow I cede all control to the trained doctors and nurses.

Now I understand.  Let my  breathing rise and fall.  If Roscoe ends up at school or his football practice  with the wrong kit/no kit it’s not the end of the world! Delegate Laura, delegate!

And then my mood shifts.  I’m carrying drinking glasses downstairs and listening to them chink against each other, remembering the taste of the Berocca in my mouth as I try to stave off the approaching cold.  Roscoe is good at sharing!  I swallow.  The lumpy throat is still there.  Perhaps I need to eat an orange? Perhaps I need to just breathe and accept that a cold is the least of my concerns right now. Get a grip girl!

I’m in the study, I realise I’m never going to be able to sort it out before I go. But I’m going to give it another try.

I need to start to cook soon. They will be home in 30 mins.  I’ve missed the Archers. Dang!

And I should be making phone calls and talking to all of you who have offered me so much support, love and laughter these past few weeks since I “came out” about my cancer.

So forgive me the silence.  I need this time to settle. To get ready. to keep busy.  I’m thinking of each and every one of you and will reach out later.  But for now the clock is ticking, the minutes roll past and I need to keep working at getting ready…