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Changes created by the cancer adventure

T’was the night before

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The boys are off to football training and I have the house to myself but only for an hour.  In 24 hours I’ll be in the hospital – hopefully not yet wearing one of their delightful gowns, waiting for my surgery.

I’m busy doing stuff but at the same time my mind is swirling.  I’m focusing on tidying, sorting, cleaning, packing while at the same time observing my changing moods.  Yes, I am anxious and nervous but do I really need to blow a gasket because Craig has given Roscoe the socks I had carefully pre-packed in his Chelsea foundation football kit?IMG_6682

This mood shift is interesting.  I’m properly mad.  I would shout if there was anyone to listen.  What is happening?  Craig and I have had a lovely day together so why do I want to throttle him?  Ahh! It’s my control freakery out to play.  I’ve  packed for as many of Roscoe’s activities as I can think of next week.  It’s part of wanting to still feel in control despite knowing that when I walk through those hospital doors tomorrow I cede all control to the trained doctors and nurses.

Now I understand.  Let my  breathing rise and fall.  If Roscoe ends up at school or his football practice  with the wrong kit/no kit it’s not the end of the world! Delegate Laura, delegate!IMG_6683

And then my mood shifts.  I’m carrying drinking glasses downstairs and listening to them chink against each other, remembering the taste of the Berocca in my mouth as I try to stave off the approaching cold.  Roscoe is good at sharing!  I swallow.  The lumpy throat is still there.  Perhaps I need to eat an orange? Perhaps I need to just breathe and accept that a cold is the least of my concerns right now. Get a grip girl!

I’m in the study, I realise I’m never going to be able to sort it out before I go. But I’m going to give it another try.

I need to start to cook soon. They will be home in 30 mins.  I’ve missed the Archers. Dang!

And I should be making phone calls and talking to all of you who have offered me so much support, love and laughter these past few weeks since I “came out” about my cancer.

So forgive me the silence.  I need this time to settle. To get ready. to keep busy.  I’m thinking of each and every one of you and will reach out later.  But for now the clock is ticking, the minutes roll past and I need to keep working at getting ready…

Changes created by the cancer adventure

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Hearing you’ve got cancer is scary.  I was like a headless chicken for quite some days.  headless-chickenI had no idea what to say or to think and looking back these initial few days were a blur of confusing medical terms, dark thoughts and odd bouts of euphoria (this will sound odd but those of us who experience this feel ecstatic; we are now going to do something about it – the choice is back in our hands – well the hands of our consultants, but you get what I mean!).

If you’re ever find yourself in this unfortunate situation, here are my top 10 tips to consider once you’ve been diagnosed and you’re still getting used to it.

  1. STAY AWAY FROM THE INTERNET!  I’ve put this in shouty capital letters.  It will do you no good to know the gruesome detail and you will scare yourself silly. Scaring you is part of the job of your cancer consultant – not some random from the ether.
  2. Stay away from the cancer forums of people who have had/have/or who passed away from cancers like yours.  Yup – relatives still post on how dear Doris or Jack soldiered on through their diagnosis and treatment.  For every great story about someone coming through the other side, there is one about misery, pain and  suffering. And guess what one we remember and regurgitate?!!
  3. Let your friends/family know.  They are your support network and will give you love, care and hope.
  4. Be open to love and care from whoever offers it.  Accept it graciously – one day you will be able to return the favour, right now it’s your turn.
  5. Don’t be a victim.  Yes, it’s cruddy news.  But now you’ve got cancer.  You can’t change it, so don’t blame yourself, your partner, your lifestyle, your diet etc.  That was then.  This is now.  Own your cancer and work out how you will manage it. Don’t let your cancer manage you.
  6. Be clear about who is doing what.  Otherwise known as Governance. Can you treat your cancer?  Can you remove it?   Know what you can and can’t do.  Outsource your cancer treatment to the specialists and focus on what you can control.  Some suggestions include your health, your diet and your mindset.
  7. Be clear about what you need from people and don’t be afraid to ask.  I’m blessed with great friends who all invariably ask how they can help and contribute.  I’m now used to saying “Right now, I don’t know what I will need, but I promise I will call you”.
  8. Don’t feel obliged to answer questions. Or to say “I don’t want to talk about this right now”.  Be relaxed about your honesty. Most people will understand, and those who don’t need to be jettisoned tout suite from your life.  You’ve enough going on without carrying those who are not true friends.
  9. Maintain your interest in the world outside.  Consider other people, their lives, what’s going on in the news. By staying focused on the outside world, you are giving your subconscious time to process and focus on keeping you positive.  There is always someone who is worse off than you.  Be grateful for what you’ve got and think about those who are dealing with problems bigger than your cancer; self-absorption will make you dull and maudlin.
  10. You are not a statistic.  You are you. You are a unique human being with the ability to make your own decisions and choices.  First,  work out how you feel.  Where in your body is this feeling?  Is it in your heart, your body, your head?  Is it somewhere else?  Can you describe the feeling? If it’s all in your head then you are going to love all of the numbers and graphs and data. Get stuck right in.  But know right at the beginning that statistics, at best, are an average.  They are not you, do not define you and may not even apply to you.

 

Oh and a ‘Brucey bonus’…..If you are in the UK, for the next 5 years you get free prescriptions on the NHS. Register straight away at your Doctor’s surgery.  This will save you a small fortune!

There will be more hints and tips as I go through this.  If you have any insights, or thoughts or experiences, please share!