It started with a mouth ulcer.  Under my tongue, on the left hand side.  It must have been there for a while but I first noticed it in November 2013. We were busy at work – DB pension closure, some reorganisation, some further changes to employee benefits – the usual “change” stuff and frankly Christmas was coming up. So I ignored it.

Local jungle drums beat over that festive season and news filtered down that a young Mum had been diagnosed with mouth cancer and, incredibly, lung cancer  – both had been caught early.  When I saw her a few weeks later she was well wrapped up and speaking with a slight slur.  She remained cheerful throughout our short conversation and encouraged me to get a dental check up.  I didn’t mention my mouth ulcer.

A few weeks later, I remembered this conversation and the Doc referred me to a maxcillofacial specialist.  I had my first biopsy that March and it hurt.  Not so much the physical side but not being able to talk properly really caused me grief.  The stitches burst too and my tongue became a mass of muscle that developed a mind of its own. The good news was it was benign and although I had a white patch mass on the side of my mouth, I was assured that with regular reviews, all would be fine.

I have a busy life.  Our little family juggles two full-time demanding careers, the running of a home and the care of our much loved, sports mad and indulged son, Roscoe. We have no family close by and rely on good friends to help when we get stuck.

I work for an oil and gas company and get involved with big change programmes. At the time of the first biopsy I was knee deep in a voluntary redundancy programme which saw a third of the head office staff depart. I was busy, busy, busy!   I  look after the management of change and communications so people still want to come to work and do their best – even in times of uncertainty.

So I know all about the change curve and the stages people go through and  confidently use lots of different communications and change models and approaches no matter what is thrown at me.

I’m also an ostrich. I can easily ignore lots of things. Including the omnipresent mouth ulcer (which returned bigger and uglier than before) and the regular reviews with the consultant specialist.

He wrote to me in March 2015, saying that as he hadn’t heard from me, he presumed all was well and was going to take me off the books.  Naturally, this encouraged me to do something about it. I called the healthcare insurance, got a reference to see him and promptly forgot again.

But the ulcer had other ideas and it started to get angry.  My mouth started to twist to accomodate that I couldn’t chew on the left hand side.  Somedays I didn’t eat because it hurt too much.  The dentist sawed off a bit of my bottom tooth to give my mouth some room.  The ulcer remained.  The dental hygenist gave me  4 different types of toothpaste telling me to try each one for 2 weeks to see if it would respond positively to the various ingredients.   Nada.  The dentist prescribed 500mg (industrial strength) Betamethasone  – a steroid oral mouthwash which I used for a further 4 weeks.  It had no effect. I changed my diet.  The ruddy thing would not move.  Guess I was stage one in the change curve – denial.

Eventually, I asked the dentist to refer me and I schlepped back to the specialist.

He scheduled the biopsy quickly.   Monday 09.30.  First thing on the Friday , the phone rang, “can I please attend an appointment the following Tuesday.  Perhaps I would like to bring my husband with me”?    It was all fairly obvious.  It was a long four days.

Denial was now futile.

I have mouth cancer.