How many of us have ever “thin sliced”  some one we’ve just met, deciding within the first 10 seconds that they are not our type?  And we move on, rarely questioning what created this decision-making process.

I’m ashamed to say I’ve a track record of doing this. And I can’t even claim this is just a recent phenomena  – it goes back over 20 years.  On three memorable occasions, my intuition or assumption, has, quite frankly, been way wrong.

When I was just starting out in my proper career, having had a few false starts, in my first week in the job I met a woman who was also a new recruit.  She was obviously bright, quick and clever,  she indirectly scared and threatened me.  On another occasion (same company) I met another woman who was sorted, ballsy and so zen, I could not see what we would ever have in common.   My third example is a local “school Mum”.   I figured she was one of those stay at home types who were dismissive of us working Mothers,  as we were never around for bake sales, school events or play ground chats.   Today, all three women are part of my tribe and I am proud to call them great friends. So what changed?

A month after settling into our new jobs, Clare and I broke up with our boyfriends and decided that we deserved a 3  week road trip around California,  loosely based on the good parts of “Thelma and Louise”.  Wendy and I bonded over dealing with a lecherous boss and her family home became my UK haven during my years in Africa. Haydee turned out to have talents that compliment mine and as a result she has completely redesigned how we live in our home and interact as a family.  In all cases circumstances changed, encouraging me to re-think my initial impression.

Sometimes we reassure ourselves that these initial assumptions are our intuition.  Out gut is telling us that there is something in that person we don’t like. Quite often we make a snap judgement that, in time, is proven to be wrong. We think that we are deciding in the moment, but really we are using our unique personal filters in deciding how that person fits into, or threatens, our world.

The world is nothing but my perception of it. I see only through myself. I hear only through the filter of my story. Katie Byron

These filters are often rooted in our values, beliefs and culture – in NLP terms what we call our meta programmes.  For the curious among us, who want to understand more about our filters, you can take a free NLP meta test by clicking here.

It is forgetting, not remembering, that is the essence of what makes us human. To make sense of the world, we must filter it. “To think,” Borges writes, “is to forget.  Joshua Foer

In the three examples I have given above, something had to change to cause me to stop, challenge and reflect on my original assumptions.  Because I am a change geek – I prefer constant change and pay attention to things that are different or mismatch – I noticed that the behaviours of all three women did not match my initial impressions. What was clear was that if I wanted these women to change around me, I had to change myself.

It’s the hardest thing to not feel threatened or scared by difference.  In new situations, meeting new people for the first time, most of us gravitate towards people are likely to agree with us or who seem most similar to us.

So the next time you meet someone new, in an interview, at a meeting or a social occasion, recognise some of your filters and suspend judgement for a while.  You never know, you may be talking to your next best friend, neighbour or boss!!